When I became a parent I knew that there would be highs and lows to the experience.  I understood that there would be challenges and struggles, and that not everything was going to be giggles and “firsts” forever; that I would not know the answers or outcomes to every situation.  I knew these things, and yet, I’m 9-years into this journey and I still find myself in the midst of situations I had never considered and questioning on a daily basis if I am dong the right thing.  Everything from “Did I pack the right lunch?” to “Am I causing long-term trauma by deciding to switch their school?”   Parenting at every turn is packed full of decisions, copious amounts of doubt, equal measures of guilt, and a never-ending level of hope that things will turn out for the best.

I’ve accepted now, of course, that this will never change.  It doesn’t matter what age my children are, I have precisely the amount of experience at being a father as they are old.  I will never have more expertise than that.  Unlike learning a new skill, sport, or board game, I cannot gain advanced knowledge, practice, or master what it’s like to parent my 10-year old, 13-year old, -27-year old; I can read books and blogs and consult with friends, but until my children are there, I’ll simply never know what that’s going to be like.  Ironically, just as soon as I do get a handle on things, tomorrow will arrive and I’ll be tackling something I have no way of predicting.  I won’t know what new things will scare them,  challenge them,  excite them or motivate them.  I can’t predict what songs will get their hooks into them and cause them to dance and sing until it starts playing on repeat within our home.  I have no clue what question they are going to ask me next, and I certainly don’t know what kind of morning tomorrow will be as the bus pulls up to the house.

Challenging as certain situations may be, and as inexperienced as I may find myself, there is one shining beacon of light in which I can seek solace and comfort: Alison.  Were it not for my incredible wife and partner, I don’t know how on earth I would be able to navigate this whole parenting thing.  And when I use the word ‘partner’, I truly mean that in every sense of the word.  It’s not just that we are married or cohabitating, it’s that we are in this whole thing together and we share openly and vulnerably through our uncertainties.  We tackle things together, we tag each other in when it gets tough, and we respect each other’s space when it’s time to take the lead.  We cry on each other’s shoulders when the guilt of parenthood and not knowing or understanding if you made the right decision kicks in.  We allow each other to be forgiven and we strategize an approach as a unit.  In other words: we communicate.

The practice of active communication is something that we pride ourselves on throughout all aspects of our relationship, be that parenting, finances, decorating, travelling, whatever.  We keep each other generally well informed and we share all sorts of feelings with one another, and our children.  I’ve never actually understood how navigating life, never mind parenthood, could be possible without an open discussion.  There are, of course, differing opinions between us from time to time, but that’s precisely why communication is important.  Those differing opinions, when kept inside, can combust, or lead to misunderstandings that cause far more grief than if they were shared out loud.  We avoid assumptions, and we set clear expectations.  Just the same a turn signal is meant to convey intention, not action, by discussion things ahead of time and setting an expectation, dire outcomes can be avoided.  It’s something we pride ourselves on within our home, and I just wish it would extend to other facets of life.

Just as navigating parenthood can be unpredictable, the same can be said about friendships, interactions with a stranger in a store, or perhaps more commonly, the workplace.  I’ve worked many jobs where the lack of communication is what brings down departments, morale, productivity, and even the entire business.  We can’t thrive on assumption, we can’t build upon disillusion and we cannot succeed in a silo.  While many organizations will focus their efforts for improvement on technology, AI, or professional coaching, the true back to basics approach would be to start paying closer attention to the blindspots in sharing of information.  Taking it back to the turn signal analogy – it would be far more advantageous for one department to say to another “Hey, this is the action I’m going to take in my department.  I wanted you to know so that you could prepare for what’s coming, or give you time to honk your horn to let me know I’m about to crash into you.”  Unfortunately that type of foresight needs to come from the top-down, and too often those positions spend more time weaving haphazardly through traffic and provide the wrong type of example.  I’d personally rather follow someone who gets me home safely.

Sorry, I took a bit of a turn on the topic there.

The main thing I’m trying to say is: I am grateful everyday that our home is one who models expressions of honesty, transparency, and openness.  Each week we are faced with things we didn’t see coming and we work hard and purposefully to ensure we know each others plans, and when we make mistakes or are faced with obstacles, we tackle them together.  This is the key to every escape room success we’ve shared and, while I still can’t answer for whether or not the decisions today will always be the right ones, at least I know we can tackle the outcomes together.   Thank you for that, my love, we’ve got this.